MOST LIKELY TO THAT "NEW BOYFRIEND" BODY (IE. LOTS OF SEX IS KEEPING ME SKINNY) SO CAN SLINK INTO A SLINKY DRESS: KATE HUDSON
Oh it's a fabulous night for Versace chain mail, isn't it? The American Music Awards are dressier than the MTV's but not as swish as the Emmy's, so the way Kate Hudson is swooshing into this event is spot on. Sexy, shiny, without being try hard, the only criticism I have of this outfit is those satin shoes. Like, really Kate? Chain mail deserves some hard core stompers and these pretty-as-a-ballerina's-slipper just don't cut it. But your dress is so gorgeous, you're forgiven.
MOST LIKELY TO BE THE RING IN WHO GOT INVITED AS A SEAT FILLER: CHELSEA HIGHTOWER
She's on the American version of Dancing with the Stars, so by all rights, should be in a tiny dancer's costume. But maybe she's sick of flashing her butt at the American Public so chose to cover up in this stiff silver strapless dress that would be more at home in a bridal party than on the red carpet of a cool event like the AMAs. Funny how silver can be so cheesy on some but so cool on others.
MOST LIKELY TO BE GEARING UP FOR A KICKASS COMEBACK: JENNIFER LOPEZ
Well, if this Marchesa dress is anything to go by, it sure as hell will be. I'm in all kinds of heaven here: It's nude, it's feathered, it's embellished, it's tight on the top and frou-frous exactly the right amount in all the right places, it shows off her fabulous decolletage and those awesome legs. The shoes are divine. She's kept her hair back which looks incredible and the makeup is perfect. YOWZA, J-LO, that's all I have to say about you, YOWZA.
MOST LIKELY TO WANT TO UPSTAGE EVERYONE: ALICIA KEYS
She does care about fashion. You can tell by this Armani Prive dress. She no longer wants to be known only for her voice. She'd like the attention Beyonce and Rihanna get too, thanks very much, so she made the trip to Armani Prive and selected this fuck-off great blue number with uneven, jewelled neckline. Love it. Where did she go wrong? How can we tell she's a teensy bit amateur at this dressing up thing? Those shoes, for one. Matching her eyeshadow to her dress, for another. Big points for the dress though Alicia, and you do have my favourite song on the radio at the moment, which is really what's most important.
MOST LIKELY TO HAVE BEEN STUDYING RIHANNA OUTFITS BEFORE SHE CAME: LEONA LEWIS
Oh look, I know what you're going to say. This is something Rihanna would've worn to Paris Fashion Week months ago, which in the fashion world, is like aeons ago, and she kinda looks a tad try hardish. But I like it. The dress anyway. I love the points! I love the PVC! The way it juts hard above the waist and then below it is so flattering to her figuere. If only she wasn't clomping around in those ankle boots. I'll say it one more time ladies: the only people who can get away with thick ankle boots are tall and thin. The rest of us need to tailor the trend to our legs, which means they need to be a bit more delicate.
MOST LIKELY TO BE PROVING A POINT: FERGIE
Rather spesh - what this ol' thing? Oh don't be silly, it's just a li'l something I had hanging in my wardrobe! I mean, I like to have something on standby in case my husband is an asshole and I have to show him what's what, you know what I mean? Nothin says it better than leather n' crystals.
MOST LIKELY TO WANT TO BE QUEEN OF THE CASTLE: RIHANNA
Holy. Moly. Just when you think you've got her all figured out, she wows in this amazing Marchesa creation. Personally, I think she looks a bit like the Queen of Hearts, in the middle of the rosebushes. It has that black/white card look and with the red carpet, all serves her greater purpose. Yes darling, you are the queen of the castle, we are the dirty rascals, and we bow to your styling gumption, which is THIS MUCH stronger than anyone I've seen.
BEST USE OF LEAST FABRIC: SHAKIRA
Help! I'm being choked by my Versace dress! It might look like it's just lifeless yellow fabric but it's getting tighter and tighter and the more I move, the worse it gets! Wait. Maybe if I just stay in this position it will stop. Yes, it's loosening its grip. Great. Now I'll just stand here in these massive shoes all night looking like I want to go to the toilet so that my dress doesn't cut off my circulation. Woot.
MOST ROMANTIC: NICOLE KIDMAN
I'm in love. So in love. We're in love, did you know? Well we are. Hence the heavenly romantic dress I couldn't help but float into because that's what Keith does to me ... makes me feel like I'm living in a cloud of light and feathers and dreamy Balenciaga ruffles. I'm in love. So in love. Does it show? I think it's showing.
BEST USE OF SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS: KELLY CLARKSON
It's not quite as amazing as Fergie's, but it's still fabulous on Kelly. She's clever enough to wear a dress with the concentration of crystals high on her bust. Love the sheer stockings and platform pumps.
MOST LIKELY TO WANT TO MAKE AN IMPRESSION SO SHE CAN GET ANOTHER JOB: PAULA ABDUL
She looks ravishing, no doubt. This dress is a killer. It's like two fingers in Simon Cowell's face 'cause along with her judging American Idol, Paula brought with her one thing Ellen can't: Music Cred. Love how she's been photographed looking fabulous everywhere she goes - nothing like a black fishtail to make her look a foot taller than she is.
PLAYING IT SAFE (AKA BORING): KRISTIN BELL
Oh look, it's another mini dress for Kristin Bell. This time in silver. She looks more like she's headed to a NYE party than the American Music Awards. Not impressed with samey-same style, or lack thereof.
EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE DISNEY STAR: SELENA GOMEZ
Look mum! I'm covered up! I'm wearing a decent neckline! I don't have nude photos of me circulating on the internet! I'm not slutty! I've got talent! I'm wearing an age-appropriate dress! I really like sequins! I wear them to every event but it doesn't matter 'cause at least I don't have photos of me without sequins on the internet! I'm the only Disney star not to fall into the no-clothes trap! Yay for me!